There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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