ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
