I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
