Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
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