you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
