We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
