what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
