Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
