This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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