My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He better not be in your backpack
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
