Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
