I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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