I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
