my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
