Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
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The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
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he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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