I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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