textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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