I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just found a bag of teeth...
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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