She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
