he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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