my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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