so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
