My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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