And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
