I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
