I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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