Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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