if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
