Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
