grandma shit on top of the toilet
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
