carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
either way he was missing a nipple.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
