I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
