you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
