haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
