I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
