I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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