my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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