I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
