Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
