marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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