this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
