i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
