I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
