There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
