If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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