when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
