Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
