I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
