My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
