you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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