My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
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She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
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I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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