Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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