at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
