I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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