I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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