I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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