I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
