I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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