I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
