I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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