ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
did i just pee glitter
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
