True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
